page 3 ( 84 ) The middle of IInd year Pre - degree

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     When I joined hostel,  I expected that  I could study well and come back to  my performances in High School.  The silence in the atudy hall was very prompting for me.   But, at the middle of IInd year Pre - degree Course,  I understood that I had failed - it was a great fall - a schooltopper falling from a mountain to a deep crater.  It was unbearable for me.  When I realised it,  I stopped tuition for Mathematics.   The one year gap _ Ist year Pre - degree _ made me totally away from studies.   There was no one to support me.   No one enquired me about the problems in my studies.   But everyone talked that I was not doing any household works !  I was wounded,  bruised and blood came out - not from my physical body but from my mind.   Psychiatrists and Psychologists - please don't come to me and ask me to forget everything - because you don't know anything about human mind.   Everyone ( except my neighbours ) talked about me and spread the news that I didn't do any household works and my poor mother was suffering everything with tears.   When the news spread that I was in hostel,  even Eldhose,  who usually didn't talk to me,  asked,  "are you in hostel ?  Are you lazy to do household works ? ".

     I don't remember when our practical sessions started.  In Ist year or IInd year ?   In Physics Lab,  the concave lens,  convex lens, Barometer,  Galvanometer, voltmeter,  simple pendulum etc.  In ChemIstry Lab,  test tubes,  Beakers, Burette, bunsen  burners, conical flasks, pipette,   Thermometers etc.   In Biology Lab, dissection tray, glass specimen,  human models, microscope etc.   I was very enthusiastic when l first entered the practical rooms.   Now,  when I remember it,  I ask a question.   What was the purpose behind it ?  What was the outcome of those experiments ?   No one approached us to analyse a result.
      One thing I forgot to mention - aunt  Laly had given birth to a girlchild when I was studying in Pre - degree Ist year.   Similarly,  Maji had given birth to a boychild when I was in Pre - degree IInd year.   I went to MOSC Medical Mission hospital,  after getting permission from our warden.   Now,  I think how much afraid was I to ask a question to the warden.   Yes.   "Sometimes I am very afraid and at other times I am very courageous".