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When I studied in Std X, I was determined to score maximum marks. Our Teachers taught each lesson correctly, without any compulsion but at the same time, inspiring our minds. Though I was speechless in my home, I could stand up in the classroom and answer the questions. Being a Sunday School student, I was a strong believer in Jesus Christ. The Teachers also encouraged us to believe in God. The God who appeared before Moses in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush ( Exodus 3 : 2 - 4 ), the God who selected Moses who was slow of speech and of tongue ( Exodus 4 : 10 ), the God who went before the Israelites by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light ( Exodus 13 : 21 ), the God who divided the Red Sea so that the people of Israel may go through the Sea on dry ground ( Exodus 14 : 16 ), the God who changed the bitterness of water in Marah ( Exodus 15 : 22 - 25 ), the God who gave quail and manna to the Israelites in the wilderness ( Exodus 16 : 13 - 15 , 16 : 31 ), God who gave water from the rock in the desert ( Exodus 17 : 5 - 6 ), God who came down on Mount Sinai ( Exodus 19 : 16 - 24 ) and His words to Moses & Aaron ( Exodus 20 : 1 - 17 ), all these were miracles to me. When I studied all these wonders in Sunday School, the Teachers explained that our life is also like a journey through the desert. Their journey was to the land of Canaan, flowing with milk and honey. Like that we also live in this world, suffering all our hardships to reach Heaven. In this journey, God would save us from every dangers. Therefore, we neednot worry about our future. I had full faith in God and that was why I could overcome the difficulties in my home.
When I reached the school to get the marklist, the boys were there standing in the front verandah. But I couldn't even look at them. Similarly, I couldn't speak to my Teachers. I was completely speechless - I wondered how could I proceed in my life. The presentation of prizes by the Govt to the top scorers of both the schools - Govt High School Kadayiruppu & St Peter's English Medium High School Kadayiruppu - were on the same day. In the afternoon, I was walking to the school, bowing my head, very slowly. What were the things lacking in my life ? Firstly, a schooltopper below 500 marks and secondly, yes, it is the main point, a schooltopper without having a toilet inside the house. After having acquired the basic knowledge of almost all branches of science and achieving distinction, what was the use of it ? I was ready to escape from my house at anytime, unable to express the real situation in my house, speechless in the presence of my parents, hated talkative women because of my mother and wanted to meditate in complete silence. When I turned back, I could see my mother coming with my five years old sister, for the function. I thought in my mind like this, "for what purpose she is coming ? Today also it was I who entered kitchen first". I wondered, "where can I find peace and solace ? In the Himalayan valleys or in Kashi ( Varanasi ) ?"
When I reached school, many people were assembled there. I waited outside the Teacher's staffroom. Then I noticed another girl also standing near me. One of my Teachers said to me that she was the topper of St Peter's English Medium High School and we could get acquainted with each other. She was very smart, looked like a rich girl and I didn't like to speak with her. She enquired my marks and I replied in a low voice. I could see a shock on her face. I think she had scored above 550 marks. Then, the names were called and I don't know how I entered the stage and received the prize. And the prize was a book, a Malayalam translation of Jawaharlal Nehru's "An Autobiography". I don't remember whether they gave me any monetary help or not.
I don't know by what name the psychiatrists or psychologists categorize my mental health at that time. I don't know much about Psychology, but I know one thing - I have a mind. I have read Carl Jung's inferiority & superiority complexes. Oneday, when I was in mother's house, I tried to share my sorrows with a woman of the neighbouring family. Then she laughed loudly and cried out, "complex, she has got inferiority complex when her sister was born". I was wondered to hear that. What a stupid idea ! I had inferiority complex because of my sister who was ten years younger to me ! Was it because of inferiority complex that I stood near the schooltopper of St Peter's English Medium High School, silently ? I walked to the school, bowing my head, very slowly. Yes. There was no toilet in my house. Then, did I feel inferiority complex ? I strongly disagree with these terms - inferiority & superiority complexes. Instead of inferiority complex, I use another term, "a person's most tragical situation". I have a lot to share with you, let us see you again.
When I reached the school to get the marklist, the boys were there standing in the front verandah. But I couldn't even look at them. Similarly, I couldn't speak to my Teachers. I was completely speechless - I wondered how could I proceed in my life. The presentation of prizes by the Govt to the top scorers of both the schools - Govt High School Kadayiruppu & St Peter's English Medium High School Kadayiruppu - were on the same day. In the afternoon, I was walking to the school, bowing my head, very slowly. What were the things lacking in my life ? Firstly, a schooltopper below 500 marks and secondly, yes, it is the main point, a schooltopper without having a toilet inside the house. After having acquired the basic knowledge of almost all branches of science and achieving distinction, what was the use of it ? I was ready to escape from my house at anytime, unable to express the real situation in my house, speechless in the presence of my parents, hated talkative women because of my mother and wanted to meditate in complete silence. When I turned back, I could see my mother coming with my five years old sister, for the function. I thought in my mind like this, "for what purpose she is coming ? Today also it was I who entered kitchen first". I wondered, "where can I find peace and solace ? In the Himalayan valleys or in Kashi ( Varanasi ) ?"
When I reached school, many people were assembled there. I waited outside the Teacher's staffroom. Then I noticed another girl also standing near me. One of my Teachers said to me that she was the topper of St Peter's English Medium High School and we could get acquainted with each other. She was very smart, looked like a rich girl and I didn't like to speak with her. She enquired my marks and I replied in a low voice. I could see a shock on her face. I think she had scored above 550 marks. Then, the names were called and I don't know how I entered the stage and received the prize. And the prize was a book, a Malayalam translation of Jawaharlal Nehru's "An Autobiography". I don't remember whether they gave me any monetary help or not.
I don't know by what name the psychiatrists or psychologists categorize my mental health at that time. I don't know much about Psychology, but I know one thing - I have a mind. I have read Carl Jung's inferiority & superiority complexes. Oneday, when I was in mother's house, I tried to share my sorrows with a woman of the neighbouring family. Then she laughed loudly and cried out, "complex, she has got inferiority complex when her sister was born". I was wondered to hear that. What a stupid idea ! I had inferiority complex because of my sister who was ten years younger to me ! Was it because of inferiority complex that I stood near the schooltopper of St Peter's English Medium High School, silently ? I walked to the school, bowing my head, very slowly. Yes. There was no toilet in my house. Then, did I feel inferiority complex ? I strongly disagree with these terms - inferiority & superiority complexes. Instead of inferiority complex, I use another term, "a person's most tragical situation". I have a lot to share with you, let us see you again.
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