page 2 ( 27 ) continuing memories

   page 2
       ( 27 )

     When the 1st quarterly examinations in Std VI were over, it became clear that Juby was the top scorer of all divisions.  I was second.  I felt like this - "everywhere I am second - I am born as a female, in school I am in 2nd position, but in Sunday School, I am in the 1st position from 3rd Std onwards".  In the 1st and 2nd Stds, Neena was the top scorer.  After that time, she was attending classes in another Church.  It was interesting that in Hindi, I and Juby scored the same marks.  Remembering the fact that in Std V also we had scored the same marks in Hindi, our Teacher, Parameswaran Sir said that any of us should excel the other in the next examination.

     Though my position in the class made me a little energetic, in my heart of hearts, I was not fully satisfied.  I had many hesitations and doubts.  My sister was growing up day by day.  In the evenings, my father would go to Kadayiruppu junction.  Then my mother would force me to take my bath earlier.  Then, it was the turn of my brother.  Then she would hand over the child to me and go to take bath.  The child would lie on the bed between two pillows.  Then, I would think about my homework - copywriting ( Malayalam, English & Hindi ), Mathematics and all other subjects !  I would take a textbook and try to read.  Then the child would come crawling to snatch the text from me.  I had given her an old notebook and an old Balarama.  But she was not interested in those things.  

     Thinking about the homework, I would become grief - stricken.  Then my mother's voice would rise above all other sounds while drawing water from the well.  She would say like this - "there is noone to help me, from morning to evening I was working for this family, now there is noone to look after my baby,  there is an elder girl here, what is the use ? she is always studying, there is no time for her to look after the baby, in her place, if there was another girl, she might have stopped studies and looked after her younger sister.  Is she a girl ?  Is there any qualities in her suitable for a girl ?"  She would use all the abusive words in Malayalam during this time.  As I am writing in English, I cannot use those abusive words as such here.  Now, you might have understood why I selected English as my language to communicate with the readers.  Hearing my mother's words I would become aggresive.  I was only a VIth Std student.  I would think, "can I look after a young child ?  Why did my father leave me in this house with a young child and a mad woman ?  Didn't he know that I stand in the second position in school ?"  He knew every Teacher and every Teacher knew him.  All the Teachers were from that village or from the neighbouring villages.  He knew everything but he left me alone to look after the child and to hear the abusive words of my mad mother !  Several times I felt aggressive and returned all the abusive words she used.  Then she changed her trick.  "You fool, I will tell your father that you called me all the abusive words and called me mad".  After taking bath she would enter the house.  Then I would ask,"why don't you take bath earlier ?", to which she would reply, "you fool, don't you know that after taking bath, I won't enter the kitchen ?"  When my father returned, she used ro tell all these with stuttering of words owing to emotion.  Then my father would look at me with his reddened eyes.  This was the usual practice in our house.

     Oneday, her abusive words were so arrogant that it exceeded all the limits.  I was shocked by hearing those words but I was not ready to surrender.  Therefore, I repeated the same words in response to her.  She threatened me that she would tell all this to my father when he returned from Kadayiruppu.  It happened - she explained everything.  She explained the words I used against her.  I was sitting in the middle room ( the room next to the bedroom ) in a chair with a book in front of me, on the table.  My father called me and asked, "did you say those words ?", to which I nodded my head.  "Get out of my house", it was a roar.  I found myself in the courtyard of the house, after his roar.  He shouted again, "you get out of my house, I don't want to see your face".  I, being desperate, started to climb down the steps - 1, 2, 3, 4 - slowly I was climbing down.  I was very much familiar with the 16 steps which I used to clean every morning.  The 4th step was an elongated one.  There I waited for sometime.  I thought like this, "my life in this house has ended.  Now, it is the time for starting a new life.  But how can I start a new life ?  It is almost 09.00 p.m.  I will walk through the road through which the ghosts revelled because I haven't seen any ghosts yet.  What about the men and robbers ?  No, I willnot meet any of them.  A kind man will meet me and give me shelter in his house".  I have read many stories like this in Balarama.  I stepped down - 5, 6.  Then I heard mother's voice, "call her back, she is going".  When I was in step 7, I heard my father calling out, "you climb up, arrogant girl".  My body was shivering, "what do I hear ?  I had thought that my life here has stopped".  I had an understanding about the life in the streets.  There was not even a second to waste.  Therefore, I climbed up the steps, didn't look at either father's or mother's face, entered the verandah, then the room and sat on the chair.  The book was left opened on the table.  I looked at the book and acted like reading it.  I behaved as if nothing happened.  

     But in my mind, I was thinking that how cruel were my father and mother.  Yes, I told myself, "I have heard that my father dismissed his father, mother and brothers from the house years before.  That story might be true".